this isnt the person you just texted but i have her phone. she disappeared when the bacon came home and she hasn't returned since.
It's just a condom. Most people would commend me for saying I was going to start using them, and you're acting like I'm going to try heroin.
You came back with four clearly unattractive women and wanted to throw a dance party in my room.
He looks like he'd be great Lego character.
I command you to take a shot and dance like the pretty little gay boy you are.
My girlfriend is studying for the MCAT by watching The Magic Schoolbus. There go my dreams of being a househusband.
He kept falling asleep with the pizza in his hand. I woke him up and told him and he was shocked because he thought he ate it all. Then he would end up falling asleep and we'd repeat the whole process again.
You woke up, laughed, proceeded to throw up on me and then passed out again.
Ever had someone sing happy birthday to you during sex?
He got me a cake that said " Congratulations on the dick "
Just heard a girl ask "Wait you're not my boyfriend?!" to a guy wearing the Mickey to her Minnie Mouse on my way home. Made me feel better about myself.
Im watching animal planet drunk, watching a documentary on mermaids. Tonight has not gone to waste.
there's a giant awkward home-wrecking elephant in the room. and its name is meg.
They made the paper for stealing gnomes. I fucked a local celebrity.
She tied me to the bed and did lines off my chest before sex. I’m going to put that on my bucket list just so I can cross it off
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