I just had teddy grams, ritz crackers, and twizzlers for dinner. Hello, end of the semester.
There is an old man sitting across from me. Phone rang and his ringtone is children giggling, I'm not safe here.
Just saw a drunk guy marching down the strip with a garden rake. I feel compelled to follw him
This inappropriate post strip club text brought to you by Cheetah of Palm Beach and vodka. Blowjob in the champagne room and the clap for the low low price of your paycheck.
Instead of medicine they should just give ecstasy. Also I'm tingly and can't find u guys. A gay man just said he loved me... :( / :)
Sometimes you have a life bucket list item checked off like 4 tits in your face simultaneously and getting to bang them both. I'm sorry I bailed on skiing but not really. Coming over with a boombox playing 'heat of the moment' as soon as I can hail a cab cause I'm too drunk to drive still...
Happy Birhtday!
Dad, it's 3am and it's not my birthday... wherever you are, go home
Watched an eagle swoop down and eat a rabbit on my walk back from your place, literally too high to handle this right now
I'm beginning to think that women just have dogs at home as an excuse to leave ASAP after hooking up, without sounding like a typical guy.
I learned a very valuable lesson tonight...don't touch a cops tazer
ACTUALLY FUNNIEST MOMENT OF THE NIGHT WAS WHEN YOU WERE TALKING TO HIM AND YOU SAID "WHEN YOU MEET ME IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE A LOT ANGRIER." And then he said "WHEN I MEET YOU IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE LESS DRUNK, HOPEFULLY."
We didn't mean to put a petting zoo in the elevator.
I walked so much yesterday and I was like holy fuck I need to do some cardio apart from sex cause this is ridic
I realize my mistake but don't you dare school me in cock, young man
Come on in and take your pants off
Randomize
