My 40 year old neighbors are throwing a party for their eight year old niece's birthday. It's 1am and they're still partying hard. Harder than me. It's Saturday. Just say it, I'm a disgrace to the generation.
He lit his shirt on fire at the bar by putting a lit cigarette in the pocket to "save for later."
Mom just apologized for her lack of a gag reflex not being genetic.
please come home... she's showing me videos of spanish parrots and is telling me about her dead cousin...
Was it a good night or a bad night when you have to apologize to someone the next day for trying to fuck them with a turtle?
I didn't think about how painful the pumpkin seeds coming up the next morning would be. Oh well, I'm good at making pumpkin seeds and that's all that matters.
You're worse than that girl who made out with her cousin at that party
That was you...
well some coke just fell out of my nose in my partners meeting so i'd say my day's off to a fantastic start
The date went significantly better after the fifth shot of fireball.
His dad and I had a drunk conversation about life. At 4 am he told me that I was 21 and cute and should fuck whoever I want.
Far too many of our conversations end in us talking about sperm
It can't be Friday yet, in still getting friend requests of people I don't remember from last weekend
You came out in nothing but lingerie and a Jedi robe claiming you needed more of those baby hot dog things or you were gonna go all Sith on us
I tried to avoid catching feelings but then he took me out to breakfast
Can you please stop fucking every bartender in the city? Just once I want to have a Jack and Coke without fielding questions about your availability.
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