we just watched the ball drop on the spanish channel. best mistake of my life.
you know you made it when your beer pong table is made from imported italian hardwood
You suck. You're fired. I need to find a less reasonable voice-of-reason.
I've been thinking about it and if we ever have a threesome it'll start off with us clothed solely in our matching fur vests
they were fucking between cars in the parking lot and everyone was cheering at them.
There is nothing more embarrassing than your birth control alarm going off while in a meeting with your boss and they tell you to take it.
all my mom knows is what I put on facebook. So... I mean... She knows we drink a lot.
Dropping the entire last roll of TP into the toilet is a hurt you don't want to know.
You talked the cab driver into taking a shot from your flask at a red light because "Ray Charles would want him to"
So I got my junk pierced since we've fucked. You should get in on this.
Aaaaaaaand dick pic. God bless america, and god bless tinder.
I had a dream last night that I met Diplo. Now I'm just sad
He finished and he wasn't even totally hard. He actually came without a boner.
HOW IS THAT EVEN POSSIBLE.
The cards I get dealt on tinder now are karma for fucking a married man while I was in high school.
What time is our conjugal visit?
Umm...who is this?
Randomize
