he has a girlfriend so we used my stuffed animals to pretend to have sex
I made friends with a raccoon. I pet it. Like I was Pocahontas.
you started introducing us as kentucky and gentlemen
I just had a boat ride of shame. With Senior Citizens.
I hid drinks in her bathroom closet.... like a squirrel... a squirrel who knew she was going to get cut off soon
Just realized ive been sitting through all of lab with a condom in my bra.
yay hump day
I had a girl last night tell me that she was happy to find a condom wrapper in my garbage because,and I quote, "well at least you're not raw dogging every slore that crosses your path"
I just did something so unspeakable in the panera bathroom that their health score dropped 10 points.
And I'm still awake, and you left me. Like the guy on Jurassic Park, that jumped out of the car expecting me to save myself while there is a man eating T-rex ready to tear my ass apart except theres a mathematician and paleontologist there to save me because they are bad asses.
He says he invented a new sex move called The Redbird that we can only do when I'm on my period. Should I be concerned?
I told him I was on the pill and it was OK to fire away. I want to never have to wear panty house or ever go to an office again. This is my early retirement plan. I want half of his NBA money.
I just fell down my stairs, guess that's how my sunday is gonna go
i'm licking honey sensually off my arm while alone in my room. what has my life come to
I pack a first-aid kit when I DD for you. What does that tell you about your partying? For what I see and do, paying my food and gas for the night is a goddamn BARGAIN.
His parents then knew me as the blackout who took care of him and stole his watch
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