He's coming over tonight...I really wish I didn't have my period right now...
I believe I'm witnessing the first time ever that you wished your period would NOT come....
I give you the lube, you make me the mac and cheese, that's a pretty fair deal I think.
I told him i wanted to be exclusively cheating with him
Saddest moment ever is discovering when your cat no longer wants to get high with you.
I fell asleep with all the lights and heat on in the apartment with windows open, Earth Hour is lost on people like me.
He got violent drunk so we have to untie him in the morning. He's in your basement and you're out of electrical tape. Don't forget because I will.
just had a very awkward conversation with the concierge at the hotel, they threw your underwear out
I don't know what was up he just kept sitting in his chair smoking weed and watching home movies all night it was weird as fuck.
I wonder how your parents would feel if the scarf they gave me for Christmas is mainly being used for a blindfold during sex...
Perhaps if I didn't mortify my parents last night with my drunken obnoxious behavior which resulted in the casualty of an entire decorative bathroom shelf which I completely ripped off the wall and left for dead, I would be more than willing to go day drinking.
We're going to party like we don't have spanx on
He sat on me and said I owed him $10, when I asked why he just said "lap dance"
My hangover didn't kick in until like 4pm so I found myself puking in the middle of Times Square. During rush hour. In a three piece suit. A spongebob came by and patted me on the back.
we tried to make a drinking game out of 4 pokemon cards you found in a drawer.
Question: anytime during the past week did I drunk dial you and give you full permission to grab my boobs? Cus I know I said it I just don't remember who I said it to...
Randomize
