I stayed up for an hour trying to make my room stop spinning and then I realized it was bc my fan was on
its 10 pm and i am cleaning vomit off the ceiling. i am nowhere near drunk enough for this to be funny.
woke up to an overdrawn credit card. did you order the dawsons creek boxset last night?
i hope so.
I just realized I have my pepper spray, gun, and vibrator all in one drawer. One false grab and I'm screwed either way.
I dislocated my rib eating pizza. I think I am broken.
You were in your third change of clothes, and I found you in my driveway passed out with my dog's food bowl. You win.
i was beyond wasted so he tucked me into bed and wrapped the blankets around me like a burrito. then gave me a bloody mary and an omlet when i woke up. and who says living with your cousin is a bad thing?!
I feel like we should actually go to church one of these days to thank god for saving us from herpes and babies.
There really needs to be a redbox for wine because I want some but too lazy to walk into a store
Like he held up the condom afterwards, twirled it with his finger, and said "look at that load"
Have fun in Vegas! Be safe, use condoms, and take a pic of Jon beforehand to give out when he goes missing. It will help the police.
Also, can next Friday be Long Underwear Friday instead of Jockstrap Friday? Because I'm about to cough up a testicle.
Bra is off & I'm snuggled in a pizza. Adulting is good.
Stop letting me drink alone on saturdays. My last 2 google searches were "short legs" and "caterpillar eyebrows" ? I don't even know.
Dude I left his house at 5:30 a.m. after you peed on his front door and then tried to fight me for my blanket. Don't even do that at my house or I will end you.
hahahahaha. Worst. Text. Ever.
Randomize
