your ex dropped by. you can call me dwight howard, cuz im the king of rebounds
There is an old man sitting across from me. Phone rang and his ringtone is children giggling, I'm not safe here.
That bus ride was like a tour of all the bushes I puked behind last night
While I was fucking her, they came in and served us both weed from a hookah. best. friends. ever.
my dentist asked me why my tooth was chipped, i told him i couldn't remember. i think he understands.
Honestly I miss having a gay roommate. His female friends' implicit trust in him would carry over to me even though they knew Im straight. Best unintentional wingman ever.
Do you know how to give stiches?
I do not...this text concerns me
Maybe her vagina is like a vacuum
I can't decide if that would be a good or bad thing. I'm leaning toward good
I thought I was pretty much sober now but then I realized I've been eating scrambled eggs with my hands...
Also, since I switched back to this phone I've found a crop of dick pics and your funeral arrangements.
he's had a change of heart. and besides, we could use a laugh.
oh, well, if you all need a good laugh, by all means endanger my life.
It's like my uterus needs a hug... and anti depressants
gay sex achievement: unlocked
what
you told me you were going out for groceries!!
When we got into his bed, his damn parrot started making sex noises in the other room
I need to go to St. Louis more often. The brides sorority sisters were practically fighting over me once they heard I work on Wall St.
Randomize
