dude, I'm watching paul blart mall cop. I have better things to do than listen to you whine about your recent divorce.
So I thought I was slick leaving his room this morning all incognito. Little did I know I was wearing his football jersey with his name across the back... stilettos & my bra was left behind. never seeing that again
there should be a rule- if you jizz on it, you wash it
my mom is pro-life. I dare you to fuck me.
what the fuck. my fiance told me she called our wedding band last night and told them to perform "best i ever had" for our first dance
just cockblocked my boss's 17 year old son at the Christmas party
you screamed santa and jumped in front of 50 kids to tell him you wanted a bong for christmas.
The bar has bullet holes in the ceiling, and the country singer had been playing drunken weezer covers. A man just bought me a beer on the grounds that I 'have his back' in a fist fight with a stranger texan. And, yes, the bartender is wearing a sherif's badge
ok it turns out chain mail does not protect against falling down a flight of stairs. please send help.
I would have dumped her already but between the 4 hr bjs and our shared love of enjoying thirsty Thursday naked while watching basketball I'd say its the best shot at love ill ever have
WTF? Why is there a pic of my tits in ur dad's office?
Maybe don't sell him so much adderall next time. The other day during finals he was convinced that he could see the "molecules of life in the air" and kept reaching up slowly to grab them.
Are you saying I'm your favorite hot mess?
I'm actually my favorite my hot mess, but you're a close second.
While I was giving him head he told me he had to go door to door the next day and "spread the word of Jesus Christ" I felt like a Disney villain out to steal his virtue.
I need like a billion tiny bottles of alcohol to put in the patron pinatas
Randomize
