Dude I'm so glad we're not friends anymore. It would have made fucking your stepmom last night really awkward. Dickwad.
i told him he had the best dick i've ever seen. then supposedly i kept repeating "peter piper picked the perfect penis"
If I die and they 'assume' it's natural causes, just go with it.
our health teacher's ringtone is Bad Romance and she has a tramp stamp. i will not skip this class, ever.
you went all the way to UK and still managed to hook up with someone from our highschool...
Puked in the hotel lobby and just kept walking. I love mardi GRAS.
The moment you realize you should grow up: you're snorting your fathers percocet script with your old health insurance card, while your parents are on a 10 day cruise in the carribean...
The fire department told the police that I was inside the burning building trying to pee in the rest of the electrical Outlets. Booyaka.
Due to last night I think a roommate constitution should be made. The first law will be designed to prevent any chicks below a 4 to enter the house.
Dude that chick had a dog in her car. Like when she goes bar hoping so does roofus. He gaurds the car.
DO NOT THROW SOUP AT YOUR SCREEN
Stay strong! Remember we're too uncoordinated to be strippers to make money instead of being a nurse
Mixing Powerade and white wine has been one of my better ideas.
Ha! Just garden hosed my vag and thought of you.
So turns out my new assistant isn't really my assistant. The owner needed a title for his FWB so his wife wouldn't catch on. I got a three hundred a month credit limit boost on my corporate credit card instead.
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