I thnk I just saw a monkey walking a drunk guy.
my roommate left her license, credit card, and cellphone on her desk. I feel like this is a trap.
Just did a kegstand with my dad. Happy fathers day.
We need somewhere to take these girls. Otherwise it's a orgy in the Mazda.
She stared for a good 10 seconds before calling my dick "awe-inspiring", and then proceded to give me blueballs. All in all the ego boost made my night break even
I want an alcoholic time machine so we could skip to new years eve
How do you say "get out of my apartment" in Spanish. No time to explain, just tell me.
Last night I had sex with one of the groomsmen I was in the wedding with. In a stairwell. 13 years my senior. Thinking I should retire from the bridesmaid gig.
We fed him just...so many bright colored crayons when he was blacked out. I hope he looks at his shits because this could be all for nothing
Your stoned with a 2 year old in the room....and that makes you want to have babies?!
I'm glad the semester is over. I need a break from the term "whiskey sharts" coming up so much in conversation.
Pretty good. They took the stitches out but it still hurts like a bitch. The doctor says I should be off crutches by next week.
Well, that's good. Let's hope drunk you doesn't sabotage you.
I am a bad person
You slept with him. Was it good?
I wasnt going to but I was too lazy to blow up the air mattress
you were so high you just watched the elf.... its spring
I’m drunk and naked and looking for my charger - title of my autobiography.
Randomize
