giving a blow job on a jetski isn't as easy as it sounds.
Dear yesterdays makeup, Thank you for always being there when I stay up late binge drinking on weeknights and am running late to work Friday morning. You're the best.
Just so we both are on the same page, I have no solid plans as to where I'll be sleeping tonight.
so either half this theatre is as stoned as me, or day daybreakers is hilarious
My mind hurts. I feel like I drank sand yesterday.
He called me while he was having sex and asked if I wanted to go get mcdonalds
Our new roommate is sitting in the living room wearing a snuggie and clutching a handle of burnett's mixed with what appears to be crystal light and sobbing over a documentary about a dead race horse.
I know. Isn't she utterly fantastic?
I may or may not have just ruined a marriage. But in my defense I got all my drinks for free tonight.
No no no no no no.... That's my emergency bottle for when I realize I've hit rock bottom
And I might get them triple pierced after that
Damn, I didn't realize you'd declared war on airport metal detectors
The night was crazy enough that we did a workout. Instructed by the bouncer at 2am
I immediately woke up from my nap, made myself a screwdriver and got in the shower. I know it's spring break but I'm still questioning my life choices.
I loaned him a tie and then had to tie it for him. I'm like his weird lesbian girlfriend.
I need weed and if he's hot, maybe he can supply me with sex too.
I just woke up with a pair of handcuffs in my pants, can u explain this?
Randomize
