Did you call me this morning? I was really drugged up and don't remember.
Have a good day. My vagina shrank.
I know it's getting bad when I wash the bong more often then the dishes
you went into starbucks asked for a mocha "on the rocks"
We could make it a date. Dinner and a show. The show being my nipples getting pierced.
Seriously. He was just sitting there naked in the dark with a boner pissed that I came home late.
I'm gonna need you to NOT let me play duck duck goose with three racoons in the middle of the street next time.
thanks for waiting 12 hours to ask if I was in a ditch or not
I'm not sure how appropriate a drug deal is while at a wake.
Hurry up. Some creepy guy with a "God is vengeful" flyer is asking where I wanna go most today. I think he's going to chop me into pieces.
well it got awkwardly quiet so i looked up, slapped his stomach, said "youre the best!" while pointing at him, and went right back to sucking his dick.
Everclear isn't food dammit
And I'm laying here struggling with the notion that I need to put pants on.
Thanks for DJing my sex last night. You were on point 💜
Okay first of all fuck you and everything you stand for because Taco Bell is amazing.
ugffhh I have work in 4 hours and have recieved zero sleep, seeing that I'm trapped in the arms of a snoring bear man. can't. breathe. lost in the forestry of his chest hair.
Randomize
