And i was thinking, 'i'm happy to be underneath you, but i wish you weren't doing THAT.'
okay, this is the fifth time he asked if it was in yet. maybe i shouldn't have dated a blind guy.
Did I get blown in the bathroom? Yes. Did she throw up cranberry juice on my shorts? Yes. Did she finish the job? Yes.
He texted me for drugs this time. Not sex. I dunno if I should be pleased it's not sex or disappointed that I come across as a druggie
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You do realize that you tried to eat the neighbors cat because the dominos guy was 5 minutes late. You would have succeeded if we didnt stop you.
i also performed surgery on a chicken burrito from what i can tell from my scissors
did i paint my nails blue or do i need to make a trip to the ER?
I caught him trying to shit in her bed. I asked him why he was doing it and he said "because it's wrong."
Then I hope you find a set of extremely intelligent, flexible triplets in the ethnicity of your choice.
That is the nicest thing anyone has ever wished for me
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How do I go about this? "Hey, its my birthday in 40 minutes. Would you like to come over for some sex? Also, please bring snacks"?
I need to reevaluate my stance on weekday hangovers...
HIS DICK IS GLORIOUS AND I WANT TO RIDE IT TO VALHALLA
You told your boyfriend he needed to fuck you in the tree because it would make you guys one with nature.
Did he?
She came home, put on the news, left a 20 minute drunk message on her friends machine, then proceeded to play back the entire message laughing hysterically and then just passed out
You stole my car to go to your boyfriends. Now your parents are fucking in the next room at top volume, and I have no way to escape..thought you should know that the amount of therapy I'll be needing for this is expensive.
You're the best friend ever.
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