my brain is sober enough to have a conversation.. but my arms feel nice
Thank god i puked near the cancer center. makes me look like a chemo patient
Someone just asked me if ur the girl that fell through the floor. I HAD to say yes.
Trust me. My penis has made more than enough decisions this weekend.
Tonight just feels like one of those I'm going to lose a shoe nights.
He told me about how he pissed his pants last weekend like it was a normal part of conversation. Within 10 minutes I was going home with him. I think he put me under some kind of spell.
Sorry, I am not your wing girl tonight,. in my pjs, eating cereal from the box. Hell I only shaved the inside of my legs just so they wouldn't itch. Not happening.
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
If a cougar buys you pizza and wants to show you her newly-won house, you have sex with her. It's the law. Just being all the man I can be dude
Now that I've quit blow, I think I'm allergic to my cat....
So you broke your ribs while fucking? Dude you just got about 25% hotter.
I was just tongue fucked into oblivion.
I'm upset for all the future generations who can't drunkenly get cheesy bread
Fruitcakes are only good for throwing at neo Nazis.
Remember the Giant sandworm from the movie Dune? Well that's about how big his dick is. No bulshit.
Randomize