No idea how I passed that sobriety test.
so, i drunkenly called my religious roomie because i was lost and told her if she couldn't come find me, jesus would condemn her to hell for not leading me to the light .. too much?
just woke up to a 10 min voicemail of you singing "99 red ballons".... you need to work on your german..
Down at cameli's and some homeless dude just pulled out a taser. Awesome.
I just decorated my birth control case with Lisa Frank stickers. If that doesn't scream 'I'm not ready for babies' I don't know what does.
You know you're on day 1 of your period when the new mcdonalds commercial makes you cry
we decided it was best to cut you off after we caught you trying to "baptize" my cat in the jungle juice
'Well you know, stuff happens' isn't really an excuse for sticking a cheeto in my ear
I can't believe you're asking me to think of a sincere, creative way to apologize to your penis at 2 am.
BING! You are now free to move about my panties. He just left for work.
I just want to trick people into going on dates with me so they can bring back to their houses and let me use their wifi.
May the power of my ass compel you!!
Hope you are okay. You were running down the street with shopping cart at one point and yelling "bitches aint shit!"
i wish he'd fuck me as good as he is at karate.
There is way too much butt cleavage here for a formal event.
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