we might have left him a semi topless video on his wall. godd i just hope they suspend my accont so i stop doing thses things.....
Let me guess--your parents are cousins.
it's sad when i round the corner and the dog goes directly for the liquor store
On second thought, trying to signify she was a butter face by wiping my bagel on her cheek may not have been in my best of interests
im almost positive that in mid thrust she told me she was pro choice
Exactly, finding that perfect flask to come with you on all your adventures is like finding the perfect wedding dress. You have to feel it.
Ok... I'm a little jealous... Grab her pig tails and ride her like a jet ski. Making motor noises is optional.
I don't want to die alone with cake watching shows about cake
He left an apology note saying he had to work and that there was coffee, OJ and food on the table with two Excedrin. I left his spare key with the door guard and she said "too bad I don't go for skinny white boys or I'd jump you both!" Best one night stand ever.
WHAT DID YOU SAW VERBATIM. VERBATIM IS SOBER FOR WORD FOR WORD
I'll always remember 2012 as the year I hooked up with countless girls who had the sides of their heads shaved.
I'm naked, I'm drunk, and I'm all up on social media right now
Can't be like "hey can you elaborate on this three year old tweet" can I?
Was reaching for my vibrator this morning out of my nightstand and strained my neck muscle. I'm getting so old.
He literally shoved the EMT, climbed in the back of the ambulance with his vodka and was like, "C'mon, people. Wrap this up. I got shit to do."
Randomize
