my phone needs a breathalizer
I felt like a fire hydrant the vomit just kept coming out
Trying to convince my mother to let me take some of my sisters Lortab to sell is not going well
just chugged some gatorade and threw it up. todays gonna be awesome
I need to find more Xanax, my Grandpa doesent leave for another week and he's made it a mission to get me to come out of the closet as a xmas gift to my parents.
Logically he should not be walking around...after that fall he should be in a hospital in a medically induced coma
I apologized for the whole SWAT team incident to the roommate.
I poured somre cereal, realized the chocolate to flake ratio was off, tried to fix it by digging through the box, gave up because of the difficulty level, and poured it back in the box. Being high is the best diet.
Nothing kills the mood like him going to slap my ass and he hits his balls at the same time
I hope I don't have to wait for another triple crown winner to get laid again.
I know that you sometimes make decisions based on comedic effect, but losing your virginity shouldn't be one of them.
Would it be creepy if I masturbated with my face in the pillow he slept on last night? Cuz I'm pretty sure that's about to happen
I wanna riverboat gamble on your vaginal waters. Just sayin
I woke up naked with a Jason mask on and a fat lip. What happened last night?
Only you would offer whiskey to a man in liver failure.
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