I just ate a whole bag of celery instead of getting up to get a glass of water. That high.
i would think by now you'd realize that my penis does whatever the fuck it wants and i have no control over the situation
Valentines day isn't about being a couple in love..... It's about chocolate and faking orgasms.
We should probably go now, otherwise the whores will descend.
You got Broadway Drunk, dude. I haven't heard you sing "Music Of The Night" like that since the last time I was holding you up on the way to the subway at two in the morning.
Your vagina doesn't want to be violated with garnishes. I get it.
If I had a dollar for every straight boy that questioned their sexuality because of me, I would live a comfortable middle-class life.
I'm gonna hop on that dick and ride it into the sunset
I had to hose off vomit off my driveway at 9 am.....so hot
I'm disease and pregnancy free. This is an Easter for the books!
Was the guy in the cowboy hat kinda hot or have I just not had sex in a really long time?
I'm going to need to invest in some knee pads if I keep having nights like tonight
I'm not sure if I should pay him or he should pay me, but someone should get paid for the sex I had this morning.
Apparently I was directing traffic outside of Keeneland. Apparently I'm not a police officer. Who knew....
My boss is explaining why he thinks time goes by faster and faster. Bc of the rockets. No lie.
Randomize
