and this is why I hate my dad. He got 25x more angry with me when I wanted to drive a different route then he suggested to get to his house (more scenic- thus more enjoyable) then he did when I told him I was driving drunk with 4 people in the car and I got my 5th speeding ticket last night.
We fish bowled my car and anna told us a story about time travel and part of it had people melted into the side of a boat and i imagined them being melted into my car moaning in pain and then we got scared and thought zombies were outside and couldn't leave for a while.
No. Do you know how much this carpet cost? If she comes over, you put down towels this time. i'm so not kidding.
I saw a 60 yr old mans penis last night. Just for the record.
I just used FaceTime as a look out while I got a blowjob in the library
I've been told that their best stripper is on maternity leave. NEVER AGAIN.
For only eating leftover pizza for breakfast today, you sure do have a lot to vomit up...
I went in the closet and cried, then the bathroom and cried, and lastly he showed me his penis and I cried. It was a weird night.
Hey its me your friend who impressed the pharmacist by already knowing the generic version of plan b by name
I'm supposed to nail the old lady at 1:30 so I'll see you at 1:35ish.
Worst. Date. Ever. He peeled a layer of bread off his mini burger buns because they had "too many carbs".
All I can taste is Pickle Juice and Cocaine.
I THINK HE DOES. OMG!!!!! OMG I FUCKED A GUY W A FAKE LEG AND I DIDN'T EVEN KNOW!!!!!!????!!!!!!!!!
Sorry I totally pulled a home invasion on you last night
That was super inconsiderate of me
I'm at the drive thru window, five minutes out. If the bathtub is empty or you're dressed when I arrive I'm not sharing.
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