So I'm at the Chevron by your house. I need a condom and a couch.
Together?
Preferably.
Spotted at kelly concert- 10 year old in a homemade "I do not hook up" t shirt. Well I should certainly hope not, sweetheart.
may have given a homeless man 70 dollars in exchange for his sandals. so yea, i'm going as jesus for next halloween.
I don't know but the stairs are covered in apples
Just promise me we won't die tonight. I can't have an autopsy report that reads "stomach contents: Tequila and semen."
No idea. I woke up in the middle of the night to you drooling and gnawing on my arm. Then you rolled over, punched the air 4 times, then proceeded to talk about your hair in your sleep.
DONT EVER DUNK OREOS INTO WINE . NEVER
Based off of the soaking wet clothes/towels/rugs, Eiffel Tower statue and monkey in the bathtub, I'm going to assume drunk me took a bath.
Are you really alive right now?
I just traded a couple nudes for pizza delivery. Call me lazy, easy, or an entrepreneur, but either way I'll have dominoes in 15 minutes.
I fell into the fireplace. That is a pretty good sign to stop drinking fireball
You are not allowed to sing ever again, my ears are still ringing.
I have to stay away from bourbon. Despite what it keeps telling me, it is NOT my friend.
Lighting a fucking bong with a candle. Straight up dedication.
my mom tells me this morning that i was blasting teach me how to dougie at 2 am last night and refused to leave her room until she dougied with me
You were painting for six hours and managed one four foot wall. "The Mellow Handyman" isn't a good business model.
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