when i was 16 reading the aftercare instructions at the piercing place i wondered why they would ever think to warn me about getting semen in my bellybutton
then i met college
how can getting a pizza be this hard?
when you've been drinking 14 hours anythings impossible
You walked in on me taking a shit and told me to hit the bong
on the way home I asked you what exit we get off at and your answer was "just like the goldfish"
We ran out of ice cubes so I used ice cream. Everyone thought that was the plan all along. I just went with it.
Although I love the reason it was done, can you maybe not show pictures of my dick to all your friends at parties? I like to present my penis in my own special way. thanks
I'm setting a 12:15 alarm for a taco bell run. Be awake or never wake up again.
corona bottle fell out of my backpack and broke in the middle of my physics midterm. yay me.
I have a huge bruise on my thigh that I am 95% sure is due to you repeatedly throwing me over couches.
I don't deserve a penis
He was "hot guy in the dark". One of us had to sleep with him. I took the bullet you're welcome.
I feel like every man should aspire to get a blowjob from a sword swallower.
Come home, I'm drunk on the porch and pretending to smoke breadsticks like cigarettes. Enticing, right?
i just got drunk and created an entire Dr Seuss unit for my first graders.
There's lube on my homework. #priorities
Randomize
