Today I realized that I've had whole drunk relationships with people. And sober me has and wants no part in it.
So I went home with some chick last night... I'm not sue what's worse: not getting a nut at 5am, the condom breaking and not being replaced, feeling poo when I put my finger in her but, sleeping on a heroin mattress in her living room, her swine flu coughing fit at 7am or realizing she peed the matt at 10am. Actually it was probably the fact that she continuously told me she was the classiest girl in boulder.
I woke up this morning and was hoping we drank enough last night to have a unicorn drawn on my wrist. Good News: We did.
If it wasnt for meatballs I would have fucking killed myself already.
i just got fired from my job because i was "too smart" and my immedate response was i am WAY too stoned to be considered smart, and theni walked out the door.
wow. i have no words.
do people in england often walk their sheep on leashes? or is this guy the exception to the rule?
what is the most politically correct way to ask if he still hangs out with the guy that has blue hair and make meth in his car?
You ordered 6 boxes of pizza and laughed in the pizza guys face when you didn't pay for any of them.
Dude...that line about her giving me a blowjob to get rid of her hangover actually got rid of her hangover. Spread the word.
You pretended to pelvic thrust my mother on the boat while my 92 year old grandmother looked on. Thanks.
Oh you have the munchies, Dad? That's great and congratulations on the weed but STOP EATING MY APPLE PIE
I am pretty sure I just put SoCo in the bird feeder
Stay calm. It's a titty bar. A ring of cocaine will protect you.
New rule. If he's too busy to put the "H" in "what" then I'm too busy to put his D in me.
He's perfect in every other way. Is buying him a cockring too forward or just honest?
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