i just funneled a beer through a mask n snorkel.. can you check that off my bucket list..
don't ever try to run hungover. just puked mid-run in front of an old couple that were going for a walk. they were horrified.
Oddly enough when I decided to stop whoreing myself out... I lost most of my companionship.
The guy you hooked up with is asleep in the tub. I just pee'd and he said 'turn off the tap' before snoring again.
And I swear to god I'll divorce you if you so much as say a single sentence in Yoda talk in our bedroom. I may be a nerd but that's just fucking creepy
Getting day drunk before work is perfectly acceptable when its 99 cent margaritas.
you and him went to the park at 2am to "catch a pigeon" and ACTUALLY CAME BACK WITH A PIGEON
He put his name in my phone as David Hot Guy With Tattoos and I fell in love because that's what I was going to change his name to anyways
I bought Plan B for the first time and an interview outfit today. You could say my life is improving.
They put me in room 420 every time and I take bubble baths and smoke in the room and they bring food TO MY BED
I love her so much I can forgive her for wearing crocs
Just got home from work. I'm going to change into sweats for a while before I have to wear normal pants to the party like I promised.
How is it that I know 4 different bartenders who won't charge me for drinks, but I can't get laid?
They should invent shampoo and conditioner for sex hair. I would buy all the travel size ones.
Lol. I liked you the most when we were banging random girls and trying to tag team everything. You were happier then.
Randomize
