so i just saw your dad embarking upon a biking journey in full reflective gear
...this stays between you and me
It tastes like I coughed up blood....hello liver damage, I've been expecting you.
VITAMINS IN VODKA. IM NOT LYING.
my sombrero is too big for the bathroom
A piece of cheeseburger just fell between my tits. Consider this a "wish you were here" postcard.
i found two dead squirrels on my front step this morning.. do you think they have something to do with my missing phone?
St Patricks Day is not the day you decide to have a sober epiphany.
I WILL MAKE A FLYING LEAP FOR YOUR DICK WHEN I SEE YOU THROUGH THE WINDOW
I just need to stick to one night stands and delete social media
Seriously, it's 5am. STOP CREEPIN and START SLEEPIN!
I just called my boyfriend "Dad"... Awkward
Dude I love you. So much. Thank u. I'm safea. In allysi lns car. Mine towed. If u loved me ud leand me 500 in the morning. Sleep on it nd let me know.
don't worry dude i have your phone, text me when youre gonna come get it
Dad hid the hash somewhere in my room and wont tell me where it is until i clean it. My room is spotless. The hash was on the ceiling fan...
He's making me do the dishes for the next month and half because I shit in the bath tub...
Randomize
