i think i just was awoken by the sound of my roommate choking on her boyfriend's dick
did i really try to jack off an athens police horse last night? please tell me youre kidding..
Well i then put my mattress in my closet and am currently on it. This is a new one.
So they discontinued the hummer... Now people will have to go door to door to let others know they're assholes
If im paying 4grand for laser eye surgery, it better help with beer goggles cuz last night was pretty rough.
Who the hell poured a whole pouch of Capri Sun down my throat last night?
Apparently I told the bartender to stop putting ice in my drink because it was taking up too much room
I just spent 10 min explaining to my mom how orange is a strange color. I think she knows
I vaguely recall putting a toaster in the freezer.
He said the pain stops when I get my shit together and stop being a drugged out alcoholic mess. Could have just said no.
You know that you're in a bad spot when the doctor puts you on 500mg of amoxicillin 4 times a day for ten days and puts refills on it...
You took his virginity and then he got lost on his way back to his hotel room... We found him at 3am sitting on the sidewalk crying. Kudos.
Well this guy just went into a detailed lecture about how rinos are developing into unicorns.. It's gonna be a good night.
I'm waiting for you in a manthong right now.
I've struck affair-gold. He's hot, he's ripped, he doesn't want a relationship, and most importantly he won't have to ask Gods permission to bang me like the last religious nut job did.
Randomize
