Every time I hang out with your gay friend, I have to make a checklist of words to look up when I get home. First Google of the night? "Power bottom."
Vanessa Carlton's songs would be so much better if she was pretty
My entire childhood was an ugly sweater party
fuck that im pissed. when I come back im ripping forskin off.
What part of i'm handcuffed to an oven do you not understand?
I swallowed for you. Answer the phone.
just walked into the study room and found an empty bottle of vodka and a passed out freshman. Did you have anything to do with this?
This weekend I forgot a cup, so I drank my wine out of a Pringles can. So classy. You would have been so proud.
That tingly feeling you're experiencing in your lady parts is my mustache. All the ladies of America are waking up feeling the same thing. You're welcome.
If I showed up at your door with pizza and a bottle of tequila wearing nothing but chaps and a fireman helmet, would you send me away?
I'm on the couch watching HGTV googling giant boob Halloween costumes so life is swell
The brides mom put a 6 year old in charge of me to make sure I don’t get too drunk before the wedding
Um, just removed my insulin from the fridge so that I could fit our case in there. Tell me, who has their priorities straight? THIS GIRL.
dont ever go to laser tag drunk. you will be judged.
To describe how high he was he said, " I'm cocked out of my ape sandwich" so yes...that was some pretty good weed.
Randomize
