Please stop bringing your one night stands to Sunday brunch.
this girl with a french braid down the center of her head won't stop talking about the benefits of the free market. i'm hungover, bloated and haven't slept for 4 days. shut up french braid girl, shut up.
i sat alone in my bed and ate pizza and garlic fingers. The icing on the cake was hearing your moans from down the hall.
Call me next time you want to get irresponsibly drunk when we have grown up things to do the next day.
you have a wonderful penis attached to someone I'm having a lot of problems with right now
I'm responsible for my client's overall well-being. Which is terrifying coming from someone that can't stop masturbating and eats leftover pizza just about everyday.
I just fucked her in her boyfriends bathroom... he was in the room sleeping.
That was the #1 scariest moment in my life. I have full trust in you, I let you bite my penis for god sake.
I don't know, I kept pretending that I was riding an elephant during. It was actually really fun, but you can't tell him that!
I consider my hand a solid 5. So if I'm dipping below a 7.5, I might as well go with old faithful.
Come to my pity party. It's being hosted in my basement. The theme is ambiguously sexual cuddling and wine.
When she says 'Polish hangover cure' she just means more vodka. Don't do it.
I went to an 8am hookup in another guys sweatpants. Who is the really player here?
I dropped my slice of pineapple on the kitchen floor and was just staring at it about to cry. It was really good pineapple.
the voting booth dude cock blocked me or she woulda totally blown me in the voting booth.
Randomize
