the sex was like sticking it in a jar of mayonnaise
i just discovered how you can fold down the cardboard sleeve on a hot pocket. Life just got a whole lot easier.
Just lit a joint with steel wool and a 9 volt battery... thank you 3rd grade science class
He wants to call Lloyd's of London and have my mouth insured.
This girl caught me staring at the cat but stroking the computer because it was closer, which is why I hate blunts.
She tried to beat the waitress over the head with a bread stick because one of her martini olives was missing a pimento. All while screaming "IT'S GAMEDAY BITCH"
Olive Garden will never be the same.
I might have hooked up with a 2003 alumni last night in the basement
Dude you were ten when he graduated
Wahoowaaaaaaa
I walked by the two of them and mouthed "fuck me" based on there reaction I think they just came in their pants
WHAT KIND OF SELF RESPECTING 28 YEAR OLD WOMAN WAKES UP IN A FRAT HOUSE?!?'
The cougar kind?
I just had to go dumpster diving, at 3am, in the rain, because I realized that I somehow threw away the brand new package of birth control pills I picked up from the pharmacy this afternoon. So I'm sort of a responsible adult.
I don't need tinder boy anymore but I do need free sushi
He sent me a picture of his cock that seemed to indicate that we were still on good terms.
& I came downstairs to find my whole family discussing the fact that I have a vibrator, which my mom found accidentally....
FIVE TIMES AND I HAVENT GOTTEN OFF ONCE
literally yelled NOOOO right before he finished .. yelled “five times and I still haven’t gotten off” when he was still inside me ..
Said “don’t worry I’ll get myself off tomorrow” to top it all off
TSA doesn’t allow handcuffs in carryon bags. Super fun they confiscated them in front of my boss and coworker.
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