dinner at cheesecake factory: $40. drinks at yard house: $50. having sex in the VG parking lot while people are staring at you awkwardly: priceless. Goodnight.
we have 69 mutual friends...i have to add her
you were passed out in your cheese fries by the time he brought out your second order of french toast.
when you tell me you got me a birthday present, I have to assume it will show up in a drug test.
Well we're gonna drink when we get home and I just invited the cab driver to play beer pong
Thank God I didn't lose my virginity to that asshole. That woulda been like winnin a raffle ticket for a free bag of dog shit. But with like a really pretty bag. A pretty bag full of dog shit.
She tried to sleep on the front steps of her salon so she wouldn't be late for work and these people put her in a cab to my house. She is nothing if not responsible. Can u imagine her boss finding her there this morning?
Employee of the year! :)
So my dad just walked in on me with the same girl twice in 3 nights. I told him if he wants to see her tits to adleast admit it. All he did was smirk.
I know how to say Yes, No, and Your Mother's Vagina. So almost fluent.
So. Do you think marshmallow vodka in hot chocolate while eating a graham cracker would = s'mores?
In some strange universe, yes
After seeing all of the pics during the trial, all I could think was "her vagina doesn't look THAT dangerous"
I think the universe has a conglomeration of sentences reserved only for me.
He said I was doing well, so I stopped mid blow job to compliment his grammar. You could say I like intellectuals
Met a beautiful Irishman two nights in a row. I may never come back.
cant one of your roommates drive you?
You came in my eye once. You owe me.
ill be there in 20
Randomize
