Nothing commands respect in a meeting like Jack Daniels on the breath. You're fine.
either she doesn't know how to dress properly on a sunday morning stroll, or I just saw a 60 year old on a walk of shame
he asked me if i "normally slept like that" because i was curled up in a ball facing the wall. then he told me that i woke up in the middle of the night and said "oh my god. i forgot you were here." how did he not understand that i didn't want him in my bed.
i was staring at it trying to desperately see a vagina
he broke into my appartment and left me a waffle maker...
She tried to cook Velveeta IN the oven on clean mode.
She may be a slut, but at least she's a dedicated slut. She's always super tan and has her shit shaved in really cool designs.
Just smoked out of an apple with Steve Jobs. I love Halloween.
Stoned, drunk, and walking into the library. Look at me multitasking!
I woke up with my vibrator in my bed so I'm assuming I had a decent night.
So... In conclusion, do I bring my vibrator and risk not only having it getting taken out at security, but also exposing my dad to my neon green vibrator, or just leave it here?
I've never had to say don't judge me for chip clips in the shower before
DRUNK COOKIES
Are you drunk or are the cookies drunk or are these cookies that get you drunk?
Yes
Someone needs to get Mark off the roof. I told you that he doesn’t shut up about ancient Egypt if you give him henny.
On a scale of 1 to 10, with 1 being “good” and 10 being “banging a student’s father”, how bad is it that I’m banging a student’s father?
Randomize
