woke up in my one night stand's bed and barfed all over her floor. she came back from the bathroom, looked at the vomit, looked at me and said "normally i'd tell you to clean it and get the fuck out, but i remember the sex was good, so i'll let it go." Score.
its a saturday night. im home alone watching legally blonde, eating week old birthday cake and drinking milk out of the carton. so yeah im doing real well
I think he just gave me the 'I used to fuck your sister' discount
They should try giving mcdonalds to cancer patients because it just cured the worst hangover ive ever had
Thanks, college. Tonight's decisions brought to you by margs in a nalgene.
Taking my infected piercing out in the parking lot of the food card place. This is one of those life defining moments that makes me sad.
My neighbour is taking her hamster for a walk on a leash. Come over now
Boss out of town. Had 2 beers for lunch, a long walk and a bowl...and then in he comes. Blamed obvious intoxication on my pain meds. Back at the bar. This is one of those bad judgement days.
There's a naked man in my car right now.
I Pavlov-trained him by smacking him in the nuts anytime I caught him looking at another girl in public. To this day, he's afraid to break eye contact with me in a restaurant if a tall busty blonde walks in.
him crossdressing on the weekends is awkward but not a deal breaker for me.
I was just thinking about our drunk conversation about having sex with elephants the other night. Love you bud. Stay strong.
Bro, if we got a house, it'd basically be a revolving door for slightly overweight, but extra cute, sexually deviant girls with daddy issues.
as a side note pls kill me
Let's make this a nightly thing. You'll explain the Watergate scandal like you're telling me a bedtime story while I eat popcorn high as fuck
Randomize
