Yeah, but thats the third time she's peed on me.
it was my 21st birthday. took an old mans walker so i could stay till last call. reasonable right?
I'm sorry. Both for you two breaking up and because I just ate some of your cheez it's.
Hey, I can't find my bed frame. Do you know who took it?
Ill tap morse code on the ceiling when im ready for you to come down amd smoke
Idk. I was speaking metaphorically. Go for it. As one of your bad decisions, I feel confident in saying you've done worse.
Going to the beach. Greeting Sandy with a blunt. Wish us luck!
I've literally already typed in by booty call text for friday night. all I have to do now is wait for is drunk me to press send
Worst drunk idea ever... Me "Cops are looking for two guys, one in a grey shirt one in a blue shirt" jelly "lets take out shirts off they'll never find us" of course I thought it was brilliant
I'm still high with raccoon eyeliner eyes and chocolate all over my face and chest, clutching a mug of wine. Happy graduation.
Well while you were being a dick I was taping back together a cougars broken heart
We're trying to make our wedding vows nice but meeting on OkCupid fucks that up entirely.
In other news, the one guy I DIDN'T have sex with in High School is now famous.
How many of my Tinder dates can my Christian roommate accidentally meet in the hallway at 3am before she's horrified and moves out?
sometimes you just gotta rip off the nipple tape and get it done.
Randomize
