So I'm playing pool in my cowboy boots and some guy came up looks at my boots and goes, "you should've got the boots with the fur"
i fell asleep last night with fifteen animal crackers in my mouth. rock bottom dude.
Guy at red light looking at porn. I'm waiting for him to look over at me so I can shake my head and he can feel bad
I think I should become a real estate agent in th friend zone I know the place so well
i just went 2 months without giving head... thats like two months without coffee. or two months without sun.
Today the house voted to defund Planned Parenthood but to continue funding NASCAR. I fucking hate everything.
I told her she can't come to our bonfire because she throws up on herself & she has a mustache. And now apparently I'm a bitch or something.
I think it got a little awkward for her when my dad walked in on us and did nothing except leave half of his pizza on the table for us.
I was just crying my tits off and he was just sitting there listening. I was an open book of embarrassing life stories.
Wine is not your friend.
Why is it that when I sustain a serious injury people are more concerned with my level of inebriation than my personal safety?
My new hobby is moving his stuff to random places in the house. Good luck making a smoothing at 6:30 in the morning, the blender top's in the dog food container
No seriously you guys are gonna get arrested
Do me a favor I want you to reach down the front of your pants and underwear and just feel around for a while... if you happen to find your balls then join us
Can my mom come with to the bar? Prince just died and I feel like I need to take her out to cheer her up.
I just want to smoke weed and be the little spoon all winter. My modern day hibernation.
To be honest, I'm more surprised when you're not high at this point
Randomize
