I feel great
I just peed on a car
i hope kanye doesn't show up to patrick swayze's funeral. " i'll let you get back to your funeral in a minute...but michael jackson had the best death of the year. just sayinnn ".
I feel like royalty, that girl from last night had a vajazzled vag. Bucket list complete.
I just asked the bartender if I could get insurance on my drink in case I spilled it.
Remember that pineapple I soaked in vodka last month? Just found it- nothing is growing on it? Think it's safe?
I walked in and you were laying on the floor bleeding everywhere half asleep half crying and moe was at the kitchen table eating frozen pizza refusing to acknowledge you. What a sight.
I just tried to roll over and fell off the bed. I think that is the beds way of kicking me out
Don't stress. That was a joke. I'd trust my pets with no one else. Accidents happen. Sometimes things go smoothly when you help a neighbor out and sometimes you electrocute their fish. Life is funny that way.
The secret to finals week is to have an orgasm for every point you need on the test before you take it.
Drinking from the bottle. In bed. Making dinosaur noises. Oh man.
Holy shit last night was like the irresponsible Olympics for me
I'm done, I have no more memes or ways to ask for nudes, so yeah
Im at a south american orphan benefit auction drinking stoli in a coffee mug, this is what my life has become, thanks a lot community college
not being a booty call is very strange. Who knew there was so much time for activities at night!
The blonde cop looked at my license and told me I better have be home when her shift ends
I hate you
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