My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
You know, it's scary to think that someday I might buy a pregnancy test with pride, not at 2am...
I put so much effort into my vagina today. If i don't get laid tonight I'm gonna be pissed.
I can't wait until next week, when I find out what drunk me added to the Netflix queue.
I hope this doesn't become one of those friendships where we dont have sex
he started drinking at 9am with grey goose and pancakes. He IS my hero.
I don't know why people felt they couldn't use the toilet with me passed out in the tub. I shut the curtain. It was like being in another room.
It got to the point that I had to make flashcards with their name on the front and dick pics on the back.
at that time a 4 pound meatball stuffed with pizza rolls seemed more important than bailing you out of jail.... sorry.
I legit had to pull him off my car. Then he texted me saying 'take me places.' Shotgun getting that drunk tonight
Okay I take that back some girl just said pussy sweat. Get me outta here
God loves me. So high, craving Jimmy Johns chips, looked down, unopened bag in front of me. Still doesn't feel real
My friend had to carry her up the steps on his shoulder, and then she got up, found an ironing board and set it up in my friend's room just in case he needed to iron things.
Shit. My boss is having me meet and greet with the new doc upstairs. Do you think his doctor powers will detect that I'm still high?
She's writing hockey erotica again.
Tell her to pick another team besides ours this time.
Randomize
