I just tried to unlock my house with the car remote
I mean, he's dancing back and forth between pathetically sad and massively fucking creepy.
So then I told him that only a restaurant managed by a florida fan could run out of ketchup
Baffled as to how I'm gonna get 150lbs of sand out of my basement.
thanks for waiting 12 hours to ask if I was in a ditch or not
Slurping strawberries throug a straw. It feels like the kool-aid man is coming in my mouth.
He once got bit in the face by a dog and still got laid the same night. He owns Memorial Day Weekend
is it weird that I didn't think he was hot last night when I was making out with him but right now I'm Facebook stalking him and think he's really attractive??
your beer goggles are on backwards.
Hey man, I found your crocs and your visor in the road. Got em for you.
I've somehow found myself in an emotionally abusive relationship with a married man who gives me drugs.
My life is quickly turning into a Lifetime movie.
Crying while listening to Miley Cyrus. BE GLAD YOU JUMPED THIS SINKING SHIP!
Go makeout with Mickey Mouse so we can get FastPass tickets
Grandma cant send me 4 lbs of gummi bears and expect me not to soak them in some sort of alcohol
I banged a marine last night. No wonder everybody respects them.
Fun fact: deep throating plus dehydration plus eating a lot of citrus = my throat is fucked. Metaphorically and physically.
Randomize
