And then she started grabbing onto random guys legs, asking their names, and if they wanted to be friends... Haha, I love when the girls my ex's are dating are total drunken whores.
Is it sad that I woke up to more "Happy Holidays" texts on 4/20 than I did on Christmas?
It got to the point that I had to make flashcards with their name on the front and dick pics on the back.
Too high to move please buy hi-c and pour it in my mouth in exchange I will marry your first born child
Say hello to your nephew Sir Isaac Meriwether van Catsworth
I'm going to have to start taking your phone after ten. That's when all the cat pictures come
I think I hit my head on every surface in that apartment last night
I just spent an hour in the shower pretending I was a member of the b-52's. I can't go to work like this
correction: my vagina hates that I'm smart.
I made out with my former step mother's best friend. Only knew the connection when they both showed up together at the bar.
My mother is even happier about me having a sugar daddy than I am
I just wanna be able to fart and do my homework but he won't leave
The fact that you screamed, "Alf is my spirit animal!" is proof enough that we're too old for peyote.
While he was going down town Julie brown, I was eating French fries. True Love
I'm actually really happy I can say that my first body shot was out of a gay strippers massively ripped chest
Failing this, see a doctor for elephant tranquillisers, to be taken with whiskey orally, twice at dawn.
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