I woke up, mistook him for my ex, and started screaming. It was all that chest hair. I don't think this relationship is going anywhere.
Remember back in the day when getting fingered in the movie theater was the best thing ever?
I just mistook a monk for someone with the newest colored snuggie.
he screamed my twitter name while we were having sex.
either way he was missing a nipple.
And just when I was about to fall asleep, he hit me in the face, and claimed he's a "violent sleeper".
and then he started using my ass as a stressball
3 things. 1. is this real life 2. my liver hates me 3. keg race tonight
Going out so taking the 2nd 1/2 of beer w/ me ont'tube in a Pringles tube. I give money to people on the street that have more self respect.
I may have just flashed my roommate as he walked in while my towel was falling. Now he knows what an American sized penis looks like I suppose
But there's never enough margarita money.
This is going to be one of those situations where we lose a day, isn't it
You know your Halloween costume is slutty when you have to shave your pubes to wear it.
I found a loose wire in my thermostat. Couldn't find the pliers, so I used a nipple clamp to fix it.
i feel like if we ever had babies together they would just be drunk all the time
i think i puked but i couldve been a dream and i may have madeout with a 20 something guy infront of my managers...also possible dream.
Randomize
