i am not allowed to pick the men i sleep with anymore
If I die tonight, I want you to know that your sister is awesome in bed
i crunched every chip from the dorito bag and poured it in the vase. never again will i have to deal with cool ranch fingers.
yeah, and when i walked in on them fucking he said "go away, i'm making sons."
I am 100% positive that I have seen a porno that was shot in this bar.
She said her hobbies include bangin guys on one night stands and then sending them facebook relationship requests the next morning just to freak em out
I vagually remember taking your birthcontrol and washing it down with ash water
So last night I learned something new. Whenever I drink beer out of a bottle a random guy buys me another one. It was like as soon as the glass hit my lips every guy in a 20ft radius got a hard on.
Did you hook up with him before or after he shaved off half of his eyebrow?
We are buying drugs from a guy with a Jesus fish on his dodge caravan.
Got a text that the fed tax return dropped into my account just before getting on the first leg of my flights the Vegas. Fate? Viva Las Vegas!
God it's like my stomach is full of drunk bees
We fired a shoe out of a medieval cannon. I know not where we got either one.
Considering what happened last night and how horrible I feel, I look amazing
We got cut off at the bar, but it's okay because I tactically rolled behind the bar and grabbed a bottle of whiskey. Meet me in the back booth when you're done puking in the bathroom. This is about to get real slutty.
Randomize
