Sorry I thought I was a lizard earlier.
In retrospect, it was a terrible idea, going down on her with these ulcers in my mouth.
If Jimminey Cricket were here with me he would be so disappointed.
My goal for tonight: make tomorrow as awkward as humanly possible.
I got lit on fire and andy went to jail last night. Totally unrelated incidents though.
Btw...I puked in my hand last night and threw it on the floor. Don't let me do tequila ever again.
And I just had to awkwardly tell 3 police officers that I was having sex and not in any trouble
He called it restless penis syndrome. I call it cheating.
I blew him while he was standing up and he drooled on my head
She insisted on cleaning her room in the dark. 5 minutes in, she forgot what she was doing and started putting shirts on instead of hanging them up.
i want to have awesome sex and feel fuzzy.
I asked him if we could hang out sometime when we weren't hammered. He said he'd email me his number... that's when I knew I was going to die alone
you walked in, put on rap music and started chugging vodka
I wish you could just Google "people I've had sex with" and they would all just come up
Shotgunning beers in the shower. Mom would be proud.
Randomize
