I made myself breakfast and everything and then whoever's house it actually was came downstairs very upset.
My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
I looked at my arm when I woke up..I guess after 8 tally marks I said fuck it and wrote "too much"
he calls his bong barack obonga, commander in kief. i found where i belong.
The only thing worse than listening to you two fuck all night was waking up and smelling bacon and there not being any left.
When I try to close my eyes ibwant to puke. Going to the basement to watch pocohantas. That'll keep myeyes open. And puke free.
This dude is being a total douche
Just because it's Christmas Eve does not mean the liquor store has to give you a free bottle of peppermint schnapps
I'm going to be blunt here. I don't actually care what you're doing tonight. I just need to know if I need to shave or not.
he's measuring my pool to see how much jello powder he needs. He got paid today.
We had to go to his parents last night for dinner & ended up having a quickie in the bathroom while everyone else was outside smoking.. This is why we have a successful marriage.
I rubbed his back while he puked for an hour and then ended up getting laid when I tried to put him to bed, best puke and rally I've ever seen.
i just looked at those "hey" messages and i was so confused and then i remembered we were practicing texting with our tongues.
I'm about to turn myself in when I'm less hungover.
Live it up bro, they're always so surprised to find out you use magnums, being such a tiny man and all. It's a good thing.
ok so you're 100% sure this time that he isn't your ex in disguise again?
Randomize
