that speech was about as successful as her performance in twilight
You stood up and started yelling"Free blow jobs!" because you thought people would like you more.
My ferret is drunk. Someone told me you'd know what to do?
Just because you were able to pour the entire bottle of wine into 2 glasses does not mean you took it easy last night.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
we need to start a braincell conservation fund for you, sort of like save the whales or something.
If i need to get strippers involved i will.
Whoever decided it was a good idea to sell 40's at a bar with life-sized jenga deserves a nobel prize.
you had me at cake vodka
I'm sorry I peed on the bushes at your law firm. Is there anyway you could defend me for the ticket I'm about to get?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I almost died today via plastic wrap. I AM THE REASON THEY PUT WARNING LABELS ON THINGS.
I woke up to him "wax on, wax off"-ing my boobs. I just reminded myself that I love him and let it happen.
Someone put pennies in the toilet. This isn't a fucking wishing well
You ran into the tattoo shop screaming PIERCE MY TITIES
I want a musical about memes.
As he put it in he shouted "geronimo!"
Wow... So was the sex good?
Yeah but it doesn't matter. My vagina is not a pool.
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