people and things i regret. that's what i want to do tonight.
omg so im topless lying on my bed and i forgot my nail clippers are on my bed and i just leaned forward and the nail clipper closed. on my nipple. ouch
my 3 year old cousin just woke up screaming "IT WON'T GO DOWN!'
just stared at ed norton's ass for 26 miles. if there was ever an incentive to run a marathon, that was it. my life is perfect.
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stopped you just in time from sledding down the roof.
When you get home there will be live fish in the bathtub. I did not put live fish in the bathtub.
My bathing suit kept falling whenever I went under a wave and this kid caught on and kept checking them out so I told him nothing comes free $5 a boob
I'm drunk, I'm covered in pizza, and I'm watching Jurassic Park. I feel like you'll get this. xx
cops tried arresting me on the way to class this morning.. this is my life.
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We got signed out of jail by an Uber driver. I think that qualifies as a great first night of college
So how do I get back in good graces for trying to trade you for superbowl tickets?
Haha just talked to the dude you bit on Thursday. He has been growing a beard to hide the bruising....
My life is over, I got a mugshot while wearing a shirt that said 'milf hunter'.
When are you getting back?
Well google maps doesn't have an estimated time for crawling... Could be days
You're lucky I just like fucking you because you would really suck at being a boyfriend.
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