new number. flushed my phone last night when i puked, made B help me look for it for 2 hours.
Only mom could turn an abortion day into a shopping day
I'm questioning the dried chocolate syrup on my tits.
I just found a video on my phone from last night of you yelling, "you can't fuck me!" at least 20 times
She just told me her legs are numb and that she dedicated her karaoke of ice ice baby to her 4 month old son.
We would have taken you home with us, but you were outside the bar measuring a randoms stream of piss by walking along side it... you said you were only at 32 feet and it still had a couple of grooves to hit.
I feel like it'll be a success as long as she doesn't end up dead in a ditch. There has to be a line somewhere.
He stopped in the middle of having sex to ask me what shampoo I use. Apparently my hair smelled good
I was afraid someone would drug test my pants so you set them on fire.
Red flag bro. Her only friends are barflys and a teen with a fake ID
I have the best idea for a new business. It's going to be called "Lamb-Scape". We are going to cut lawns using lambs. You just put 5 or 6 on a lawn and they eat the grass #allnatural
YOU SAID YOU WERE OUT OF POT
..........
The only joy I have here is being able to shit with the door open.
Have a booty call at 3am, stopped for tacos at 2:30. It's 2:55 and I still haven't ordered but can't jump the curb to get out of line because there is a cop in front of me. What am I doing with my life?
Omg dude take a shower. You'll feel like god washed away all the sinful shit we did last night.
I STUDIED GEOGRAPHY I KNOW THIS SHIT!! DON'T YOU DARE QUESTION MY AUTHORITY ON GLACIAL DEPOSITION AGAIN BITCH!!
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