i just saw a midget buying condoms and graham crackers. i wonder which was the impluse buy.
I got drunk and smashed his tv with the keg and so he blames me for being evicted.
It would be celebrated in history as "the orgasm heard round the world"
My male hookup buddy is gonna meet my female hookup buddy, let the awkward hookup games begin!
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
All I saw was a beagle come across the screen and explain the theory of relativity to me and leave
I just remembered that I did shots out of a gay mans crotch. And there's someone saved in my phone as "Miranda knows where my car is"
I threw up for like 20 hours. Im gonna be the DD for the next 5 years.
Just told my boss I wasn't coming in to work because of a serious case of blue balls. Totally made having them worth it.
I just paid for weed by taking him to the store to buy cheese so he could make empanadas. Best. Drug deal. Ever.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm going to fake an anxiety attack to get to the front of the line. Save me some brisket.
I may have just tried to argue quantum entanglement as the reason I was still in her bed.
Spending the night with him made me realize that stupid people both irritate and fascinate me, so I'd say it equaled itself out.
We banged in my car doggy style with my head out the window. The sky was marvelous and I saw a shooting star. Its destiny; we're meant to fuck forever.
The brides mom put a 6 year old in charge of me to make sure I don’t get too drunk before the wedding
that's the second time my extensive knowledge of taylor swift has gotten me laid
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