I use a guy for sex and get three minutes out of him. go figure
Don't pass out before midnight like you did last year. See how much your year sucked
ill find time for any girl whos not afraid to grab my junk in front of 100 people
I just found out my birth date is Pick Your Poison Day. Goodbye, conscience, forever. I was born to live like this.
Where is my rescue team. I keep hiding shit. And I'm trying to give out shots of olive oil
Im just saying it can't be that bad if he drove himself to the er. We'll head that way when we finish playing scattergories
I just found out that I slept with Kate Gosselin's publicist back in June . Brb I have to wash myself endlessly.
nothin like your phone freezing up and sending out old booty calls at 11am on a sunday. fml.
This hurricane was the perfect excuse to buy 2 pounds of animal crackers and a case of beer. It's on Sandy.
i wasnt laughing because you were puking, i was laughing because three yards away there was a couple seriously getting it on
continuing my moment killer tradition in the best possible way
As soon as we had sex he stopped opening doors for me. That wasn't an exchange. Im still a god damn princess
I just have to decide what I love more, food or dick.
It's Christmas. You could splurge on something a LITTLE fancier than wine in a box.
The oven caught fire. I put it out, but called the fire department just to make sure it was okay since the smoke wasn't going away
You just wanted to meet firemen
I kicked down a wall in rage and found a door behind the drywall. Once again vandalism solves all my problems.
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