I puked in the cab and in my hair and he didnt even know
i just uploaded three hundred pictures and you had your shirt off in two hundred and ninety of them
the remaining ten - you weren't in
did you seriously just ask me if there is such thing as a sophisticated batman shirt?
Some drunk couple just made out on the sidewalk and it reminded me some sweet moments we have shared...
you're surprised the chick that fucked you for a free cup has herpes. i don't feel bad for you.
And she was like "I wanted you all for myself, to love you, and treat you like gold."... See this is why I shouldn't fuck Italian chicks...
I rode a bull tonight, There is absolutely no reason my dick is not in some chicks mouth
I just used a baby fork as a roach clip. I am totally the cool aunt.
I went eBay shopping last night. Turns out I brought a Viking drinking horn. I can't even be mad.
I should have bailed a long time ago. I mean, he has a bible verse-a-day app next to his dick pics in his phone.
No one parties "Full Karen". She once broke a couple up at the bar, ate the girl out in the bathroom and took the guy home.
Just when I thought I was growing up, I go out and TOTALLY REDEEM MYSELF
my brother has friends over and I can hear one of them screaming from the basement "BREATHE. FILL YOUR LUNGS. LIVE YOUR LIFE." and it sounds like he's doing some motivational speaking down there but that's actually just how he encourages ppl to take bong hits
Some guy I'd never met and didn't invite threw the punch bowl at the wall and set the plastic skeleton on fire. I don't think we'll be getting the full deposit back
I think I'm so comfortable in my sexual relationship because he mostly wants to see me naked with large plates of bacon tastefully placed upon my body
Randomize
