Everytime she tries to call me all I can think about is when she tripped walking down my steps during her walk of shame. Then I laugh until it goes to voicemail
My cousin's wedding had personal beer funnels for each table and a drinking game against the bride and groom. im sorry for ever calling you white trash
...oh my god that's like anal suicide
I'm aware. I'm writing the eulogy for my colon as we speak.
FUCK BUDDYS DON'T HOLD HANDS. NO EXCEPTIONS.
The basket that the Naughty Easter bunny left for you at my house might keep us entertained for a little while...
He took a picture with a naked dude. I think he just walked out of that deep ginger closet.
I'm at a bar. It's body paint Wednesday. All of the waitresses are topless. Help me
I'm 50% okay with that amount of body contact... plus/minus 7% based on where blood may flow.
Most drunken moment of the night is me pouring Chanel no. 5 all over your boobs and rubbing it in...
Vomit your little heart out. You've got a long day tomorrow
I started keeping track of my period when I realized you had a better grasp of it than me.
i think i passed out for a few seconds while we were having sex but he didnt notice...
It's a shame I've been hooking up with him for 6 months and he still doesn't know my real name.
the twins are trying to figure out which one is the one doing body shots off a janitor in this picture
I know she’s pissed I fucked her husband, but I didn’t know he was married until after I blew him at Legoland
Randomize
