I like how you formally end text interactions, just turn your phone off or don't respond you pervert
I think jizz is working it's way to becoming my number 1 food source.
I really don't think you should have 'baptized' your tattoo in vodka the same night you got it.
You are beautiful! I got thrown out of a bar tonight for throwing my shoe. It was at my sister, I don't know why they were mad. I know her.
SOS. HE HAS PASSED OUT AND IS LYING ON TOP OF ME. HE IS STILL INSIDE. HELP
Some guy just rode an office chair down my street, I hope he comes back so I can give him my number.
I just got carded by a ten year old.
You ever got drunk on $5? Cuz it's about to happen
Even when you're down just know that I will always be the one to pour alcohol into your asshole when you're on probation
I did the walk of shame in nothing but a sleeping bag and now I'm on my way to pick up plan B. Let's not make a habit of this.
Sounds like a good New Years
He walked in at 7am saying that the police had his shoes and phone because he's being investigated for attempted auto theft.
My pubic hair is shaved into the shape of mistletoe.
I hope that's a joke and if not I need a snap of it
I'm bringing pajamas, aspirin, morning after clothes and morning after pill
Some mornings I close deals. Other mornings I puke out my window while I’m driving down the highway
I’m a little confused...we were told by Cheeto Jesus and his minions multiple times that we would stop hearing about coronavirus the day after the election and, yet, I am still hearing about coronavirus. Is it possible they lied to us again?!?
Randomize
