My mom just got knocked over by a rollerblader. I'm trying not to laugh, bc my family looks pretty concerned
I don't llike drinking between sober and blackout. Its boring.
Everytime she would start slurring, she'd stop, hold up a finger, wait like 30 seconds, then try again. I love drunk people
You probably shouldn't be hiding under someones bed listening to them get head
u know whats better than using ur vibrator? using it w/ jeopardy on in the background and half moaning the correct final jeopardy question. yeah that just happened.
i hate when i ask a girl what she's being for halloween and the first word isn't "slutty"
Having sex with the stobe light on was the best bad idea I've ever had.
anyone who has a picture of a ferrari with the caption "mAh DreAM caR" is getting denied as my facebook friend.
I keep having to talk dad out of putting tequila in the milkshakes.
if they reproduce, their children will be the worst quarters players ever
I just feel like Im gonna be remembered as that one RA guy that used to sell weed
There's a skateboard on the patio and all the chips are gone. The note on the fridge says 'don't buy cheese'. Stop letting her go outside.
Well who could blame her. I would run away from me if I could.
I'm a wonderful, drunk angel of hydration and sometimes absinthe.
How I know I've been single too long: I'm reveling in finding out my taken friends are being tragically dumped
Randomize
