Apparently on the way out of the ER i asked the nurse to doggie-bag me some more morphine.
When sleeping with someone new: should you hide the magnum condoms, or let him know what he has to live up to?
I just made bacon chili cheese fries for dinner...someday my kids are going to realize I'm a stoner & this will all make sense
My math professor just asked us to draw the graph of the derivative of our drunkenness from friday to sunday. Dear Jesus this looks bad.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I think I'm going to postpone my photo shoot until my Gpa dies. I don't want to be in lingerie and stripper heels when I finally get the call
I feel like that needs to be the last time i end a text with "fuck them i love tequila".
I have to deal with three things I do not like this weekend. Pooping in toilets that are not mine. Air mattresses. Not beating off in the shower.
He is dust bro dust in the wind I waited in this unlocked car long enough.
I jumped out of a moving car going sixty into my driveway because I had to shit so bad. It is not a good day today.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
my balls were so many shades of blue last night I could have used them as paint and replicated the entirety of Picaso's blue period. The girl was an art major I feel like this metaphor is appropriate.
i mean i'm drinking free wine with lesbians and listening to sinead oconnor so i'm not sure who won that breakup
Was your bare penis on or around my blanket?
It's now officially the Christmas season, so I have no shame in drinking evernog.
I mean, don't most people have like a two week grace period where it's okay to ditch new friends?
when I said eat the rich I didn't mean like that but here we are sucking that capitalist dick
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