Let's perk you up. I have a good PG joke and a picture of my penis while urinating. You pick.
but she was nice to me.
She was a fuckin STRIPPER.
I don't know if the fire truck was perfect timing or if she actually burned something down.
I don't think I can fit "I'm sorry for ruining Christmas" on one cake. Better make two.
She left scratches down my back from her wedding ring. Her husband seems like a nice guy though, judging by the scratches it had to be at least a carat.
There was a reason that "Throat Warrior 2011" was written on my martini glass. He said my title was undisputed.
That's like.....u just dangled a sex carrot in front of me then took it away!
We get drunk and make out in different places. Is that what love is?
I'll pay you back with progressively deviant sexual favors.
There's a Taco Bell quesadilla in my shower caddy right now.
Snow days are when you really appreciate that your neighbor is on your bang roster.
It's like all the guys I keep around if I wanna have sex with all got mad at the same time. I guess I'll get out my vibrator again.
Well I finally got to say all the things I wanted to say. Including telling him he looks like a naked mole rat
So I was laying on the couch reading a book and he texted me. All I saw was the image of him spitting on my vagina last night in the moonlight. I gagged.
i asked her if she was sure that she was ready to do it and she replied with "come at me bro"
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