He drunk dialed T-Mobile at 3am and talked to them for 45 minutes and got his phone bill lowered from $80 to $60... Best drunk dial ever.
he burped in my vagina and tried to deny it...
What a great world we live in when USPS can tell you that your drugs have been delivered.
I just woke up eating some beef jerky with my cat. I think she opened the bag for us.
Listening to Ke$ha's new single to pump myself up for my STD test.
Calling a preemptive no homo on tonight's activities
I can't feel the bottom half of my face but i feel like our sex would be amazing
Today is an "outside sex" kind of day.
If they could bottle a hangover it would taste exactly like lemon lime Gatorade and failed hopes and dreams
Can you send me the pic of me puking with a quesadilla on my shoulder
MEG JUST LICKED A DRAIN PIPE. DAVE PUNCHED MATT IN THE THROAT. ALL BOUNDARIES ARE DOWN. I REPEAT. ALL BOUNDARIES ARE DOWN.
I love you, and I just washed my hair in my work sink with handsoap.
I told her I'd rather set my hair on fire than sleep with her again. In retrospect, that was probably too harsh. My eye is still swollen shut.
you were huddled over the toilet, throwing up, and every few seconds you'd look up and say "this is such a waste of vodka" then put your head back down and start puking again
Spencer just told me I got home and was opening beers with my teeth and trying to make pot butter
Randomize
