I'm on the strip, it's like a mini new years eve. Some girl just got taken away on a stretcher with her meter margarita in her hand claiming it's trophy for being awesome. Damn tourists are lightweights.
You don't have to be drunk! I've licked your asshole before
Thanks for the drunken voicemail of bird calls. Love and miss you, too.
It was worse than that time I did shots of BBQ sauce and pierced my own ear with a thumbtack
I think that's the key to being an adult though... Get those rapid fire beer shits out I the way early, then you can go about your grown man business
I will accept it in the form of tooth necklace but if you have better ideas I am open to suggestions.
I have nothing to say for myself. When 2chainz comes on at the bar all bets are off.
When he's drowning in your chest and he muffles out the words 'I just want to live here' that's a compliment right?
When you get this divorce finalized we're going to mid evil times AND pirate dining adventure. We're gonna find you a couple of real men and make them joust/swashbuckle for your affection. My treat.
Having sex with him is like eating mayo. Don't think about it, just do it. It's worth it.
I feel like I put a fire out with my hand but idk if that was a dream or not
What kind of true American would I be if I didn't just smoke weed in my bathrobe on my back porch in the middle of suburbia on 4/20? #stepmomoftheyear
He tried to throw up into a beer bottle. It was a complete disaster. Vomit went everywhere. It put the Bellagio's fountain to shame.
You can't just bring up bondage and then stop answering me
she wouldnt leave because they were playing One Direction. I'm dating a thirteen year old.
Randomize
