there is a puppy in the bar... no really i didnt steal this one
"I want to just tie you up so you\'ll still be here like this when I get home." Actual words.
peeing is so easy when youre drunk. you just tell your body to pee and it pees.
Can u please come get me. My car keys are gone. Somehow I ended up sleeping in my trunk
Ssssssssssshhhhhhhhhhhiiiiiiii!iiiiiiiiiitttttttttttttttssssssssssssshhhhhhhhooooooooowwwwwww. Letters for emphaSSIIISISEEEE!
Close your eyes and stop texting and think about puppies. You'll be fine.
I don't even know where to begin....there's queso sauce and public hair stuck to everything
How do I politely say my vagina is not a chew toy and if you bite me again I will slap you?
You could say take it easy, whoa there, be gentle, anything that doesn't fully convey the horror.
Is she still in your room?
Not for long. My plan is to smoke her out like a small woodland creature.
Boobs are out for the taking
I peed sitting down because I knew standing was a lost cause
Lady Gaga is doing the 1/2 time show. I hope it's gay and liberal as fuck.
So it turns out strippers do encores if enough people yell. Encore song: Self Esteem.
I just got promised sex at a fire station tonight so basically all my porn star dreams are coming true.
You're a wizard. You are a master of disguise. You are beautiful. I love you.
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